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Hold Yourself Together

by Asha Jefferies

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1.
Chaos 03:57
Honey it’s crashing down on me After all I did perceive The wrong hell, I could never melt into your arms nor leave And it all started with a fall, I thought I knew myself I thought I had it all figured out Drinking til the early morning Trying to find a way to call you out They tell me to forgive, they tell me to lay off You’re sucker for a chaos We drive fast in her red car To get away from the nasty scars She might leave if we don’t get away If we don’t lay off You’re a sucker for chaos With love, there’s always a way They say that you have not changed I’d have to be out of my head to make the same mistake And then there’s her diving deep in her own world Til she crashes into the next boy or girl To lie, fend for, well I could not pretend to care less anymore Drinking til the early morning Trying to find a way to call you out They tell me to forgive, they tell me to lay off You’re a sucker for a chaos We drive fast in her red car To get away from the nasty scars She might leave if we don’t get away If we don’t lay off You’re a sucker for chaos *Instrumental break* You’re a sucker for Chaos x 4 Drinking til the early morning Trying to find a way to call you out Tell me to forgive, they tell me to lay off You’re a sucker for chaos
2.
That, I guess that is that I am back to believing no ugly deceiving life hacks Water the plants, the dirt was dry and I’m growing as twice as fast as you did try To grow me and shoot me up high But it felt more like suppression so I put up a fight Walls so thick, bolder than lipstick If you’re feeling sad then hold me to that (And you asked me) Why did you leave if you were never really there? Why did I expect you to stay if you were never really there? I said I needed to leave cause I was never really there In the first place What’s new? Country boy Stay glum til a new girl charges ya ego to the sun While I stray far away, you still think I’m running from the best thing I had, you’re wrong in every way But I act like you could be right Cause it makes ya feel better, helps you sleep at night (And you asked me) Why did you leave if you were never really there? Why did I expect you to stay if you were never really there? I said I needed to leave cause I was never really there My lips were covered, I could not make a sound Well I only just discovered your love was pushing me down No love, felt in your arms, dominated by your words enough That I wasn’t worth more than your messed up love (I said) I needed to leave immediately from this shit hole You’ve wondered why so often I came off as cold But your indirect attention to turn success into flaws I couldn’t live a life feeling so very withdrawn I needed to leave cause I was never really, there, anymore Why did you leave if you were never really there? Why did I expect you to stay if you were never really there? I said I needed to leave cause I was never really there In the first place What’s new? Country boy Stay glum til a new girl charges ya ego to the sun While I stray far away You still think I’m running from the best thing I had You’re wrong in every way But I act like you could be right, cause it makes ya feel better, helps you sleep at night (And you asked me) Why did you leave if you were never really there? Why did I expect you to stay if you were never really there? I said I needed to leave cause I was never really there My lips were covered, I could not make a sound Well I only just discovered your love was pushing me down No love, felt in your arms, dominated by your words enough That I wasn’t worth more than your messed up love (I said) I needed to leave immediately from this shit hole You’ve wondered why so often I came off as cold But your indirect attention to turn success into flaws I couldn’t live a life feeling so very withdrawn I needed to leave cause I was never really, there, anymore
3.
Honestly I wouldn’t know I know everybody talks The more I hear, the sweet lulls dear Of pouring hearts and child based fears I was in the dark, the rain was pouring hard And I hear, you’ve been locking yourself in bathrooms Hiding or running away from the truth, you choose Rosie, have you rested your bones? Rosie, have you rested your bones? Is it hard being this bitter, with all those critters on your toes? Honestly I wouldn’t know I know everybody talks I guess you thought it was your duty To be the human embodiment of remorse You did it so well of course And I hear from the sources you love him Did he tell you the same things I heard late at night? Was the truth crisp and dry? Like a wine you drink chilled with ice? Rosie, have you rested your bones? Rosie, have you rested your bones? Is it hard being this bitter, with all those critters on your toes? Honestly I wouldn’t know Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody talks Everybody talks, everybody (I know you talk shit about me) Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody (haven’t heard a word from you since 2017) Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody Everybody talks, everybody talks
4.
How do you build an ocean? From the palms of your hands and a block of steel How do you build an ocean? Mama always told ya to make what you feel But now it’s hard, the days are long You don’t how to feel or who you’ll become And there’s a sense, of impotence To manufacture love without giving in You tried to build me an ocean, but I could smell a man made soul You can’t build love like that You can’t choose who you adore Would you marvel at the light? You always thought I’ve tried too hard despite Your grip on everything let go of it, let go of it Could you let it flood through your heart, through your blood? You can’t build an ocean, you can’t force love Hold your peace, I’ll put Johnny Mathis’ sweet surrender on repeat Cause now it’s time to leave, unless we’ll keep on suffering my dear Oh now it’s time to lose the fear Would you marvel at the light? You always thought I’ve tried too hard despite Your grip on everything let go of it, let go of it Could you let it flood through your heart, through your blood? You can’t build an ocean You can’t build an ocean You can’t build an ocean You can’t force love
5.
Welcomed back to the city lights, I hear he still writes about July So I stand in my spa, with rose and a heart Drowning in self pity, loathing you for your art And I can’t say that I feel bad I sleep pretty great at night, thank you for asking You seem to think that you saved my back, but if you were my hero If you were my hero Why was I always so sad? Talk me sober, on the drive home that night And I thought a God wouldn’t know how it feels To be alone, nor would I And I can’t say that I feel bad, you tried to save me, save me back Cause I realised that I’m all that I have, that if you were my hero If you were my hero Why was I always so sad? Well I hope you had fun, hope you had fun Tearing it apart Cause if you were my hero, if you were my hero If you were my hero Why was I always so sad?
6.
Go find a wife and have fish on Fridays Let her feed you with her fork and make noises like an aeroplane I bet she’s the one that can stop you smoking dope Comb your hair when you’re drunk And do the things that stung me too much Cause I was never too good at holding you together I recall a time of peace and prosperity Clinging to your bestest, were you shocked when I messed this up? No one to drive me around this town, holding me together Honey, seeping dripping down the cracks It’ll take me another month and a half to realise I can’t go back Where is the rope? Try and tie it up Where is the rope? Try and tie it up Cause they never spoke of Where is the rope? They never spoke on how to hold your own, hold your own self, together Cause I remember Christmas lunch, when I got back from Holland We drank cheap champagne And you asked me what the saddest thing I’d ever seen And I said seeing my Mama in pain She was just holding, holding herself together I pay all due respects to the times that I was left Unsheltered, I felt it, when I was disassociated By your world, your darkness I had to hold me and my selfishness, together And I have travelled, I have simmered I have travelled through chaos for a self To hold it all, hold it all, hold it all, together

credits

released February 1, 2019

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Asha Jefferies Brisbane, Australia

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